Dark Times

It's funny how sometimes life really can just snowball you.  I've been having a rough week, not so much because of any one thing but a pile of little tiny things (and not so tiny things) that have just piled up.  My prayer request "inbox" has been filled recently with some heavy stuff.  Between friends doing missionary work in far off lands, folks dealing with some very serious decisions in their lives, and others that are just generally stressed out, overtaxed, working hard, whatever - I have been feeling their burdens on my heart recently.  On top of that, there was a death in my family last night, and I have been juggling what is beginning to look like too many projects.  Some gears are changing at work, paddling is going into mega crunch time full swing, Spring quarter in paralegal classes will be taking  up a hefty chunk of time, and my schedule just feels squeezed.

So far, everything is balancing out okay but I am going to have to remember this week that I can't do everything and I can't please everyone.  I hate feeling like I am letting people down almost as much as I hate admitting I'm human.

In the meantime, I've realized it's important for me to identify what things I'm doing because I love them, what things I'm doing because I feel obligated, and what things I should always keep in top priority.  For some reason thinking this way helps me remember when I can relax and when I need to be "on the ball."  Paddling today, for example, is something I really love.  I don't want to go to practice simply because I know coach will yell at me if I skip, I want to go because I know I'll feel so much better afterwards and it will lift my spirits to see my teammates.  It's a sunny, lovely day and even though I am aware the crap is going to be kicked out of me, I will feel all the better for it.

The rest, as they say, is in God's hands.

Weird Things I'm Eating

Cherimoyas

Pretty much no one knows what a cherimoya is when I talk about them.  They are only available from March - June, and are deemed a "labor intensive" crop so they aren't exactly a bargain either.  You have to love them to seek them out.  This is a very polarizing fruit, that is, you either love it or you hate it.  It's kind of an ugly Betty as well, since it totally looks like a dinosaur egg and smells about that way as well.

The taste, however, I love.  They are hard to get in many parts of the country since they really only grow in South America, but here in Santa Barbara several people have these bushes that they raise so they are available in local markets.  I think they taste a little like a strange pear, but I mostly refer to them as "the mystery flavor" of dum-dums.  You have to wait until they are a little soft, and you can scoop out the white fleshy part in the center.  The big chocolate colored seeds are easy to spit out, and the entire thing makes a fun breakfast.  (As long as you can handle the stares from co-workers.)

Baked Seaweed

This is a new obsession.  They were having a sale at Trader Joe's of this stuff, you could get a little packet of them for $1.  I bought about five, and gobbled them up over the weekend, much to Chris' horror.  They are crispy and salted, quite tasty I think and reminds me how much I miss eating sushi on a regular basis.  It's a little bit strange when it comes to texture because it kind of melts in your mouth in a gross way, morphing from a crispy sheet to a gooey sea veggie.  The salt is good though and obviously more healthy than a bag of chips.

I know, I know.  My tastes are not for everyone.  But I still thought it was fun to share. :)

The Four Phases of the Post-Paddle

Phase I: “The Hunger”

Phase I often begins immediately upon termination of the workout, though in some paddlers the effect can be delayed.  There have also been cases observed in which the Hunger will begin over the course of a strenuous workout.  The Hunger descends with great fury, a primordial drive that terminates all logic, and can remove ones very identity.  The empty husk that remains is a desperate creature, fueled solely by the need to eat everything and anything within reach. 

On a more positive note, spouses and roommates attest that the Hunger is an excellent way of getting rid of leftovers in the fridge or fruit on the verge of spoiling.

Phase II: “The Bliss”

For a moment in time, carbohydrates and proteins make peace with one another, and fats, salts and sugars of all varieties are welcomed to the table of even the pickiest eater with gusto.  Only a miracle of heaven can be compared to the sensation of full life being restored to the body through food.  The sensation of unalloyed joy consumes the once hollow body; the spirit returns to the eyes and soul.  Just as the Israelites were led out of the wilderness, one may feel that they have been freed from the bondage of hunger and into the paradise of milk and honey.  (Or both milk AND honey, on top of large crusty rolls of bread, dipped in yogurt with fresh fruit, a whole chicken, and a stack of peanut butter pancakes on the side …with hot chocolate and horchata.)

Phase III: “Denial”

Riding the wave of Bliss, there is a moment, ever so brief, where a paddler may think for a time that their day can continue on as normal, like any other human being.  In this phase, as one relishes the color that has returned to their cheeks, they may begin to plan doing chores, attending events, or mapping out projects which have yet to be accomplished for the rest of the day.  One may even begin to exert themselves in large social gatherings in complete ignorance of there own limitations. 

This phase is often short lived.

Phase IV: “The Crash”

Once the body obtains that which it needed so desperately, the crash may begin with a sometimes violent, sudden, and unexplainably powerful wave.  It is recommended that paddlers be watched by loved ones prior to this phase; in case there is need to set up a soft landing space for their impending collapse.  Like C3PO, the body shuts down with an electronic “biiieeeeewwww” and hums happily in the healing cocoon of sleep.

(Phase IV: Guest comic thanks to Matthew "Chumie" Ochocinco)

Wash. Rinse. Repeat next Saturday.

Shantaram

As I said before, I've been trying to write a bit every day for Lent.  (I've missed a few days, but have been generally good about this.)  Some of it is, as to be expected, utter rubbish.  This one, however, I thought I'd share because I like the inspirational quote so much.

__________

This is a passage from the novel I am currently reading, Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts.  I highly recommend it to pretty much anyone; the story is beautifully written, dark and at times quite challenging.  There have been several passages I have dog-eared or jotted down, but of them all I think this one so far has struck me the hardest.

“One of the reasons why we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow.  But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again.  Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them.  And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.”

At one point or another, every human being has been lonely or felt completely alone.  It’s incredible how terrifying that feeling can be, especially when it is unexpected.  There are times in my life, too many times, where I managed to delude myself into thinking and believing that I didn’t need anyone or anything else, that if I had to go it alone in the world I would be able to survive.

Being alone makes you face things that creep up in the silence, the stillness.  We have an incredible stockpile of noise and distractions we use to combat the reality of our dark hearts, our petty needs, our twisted thoughts and deeds.  Facing our flawed reflections can crush our spirits, but can also indeed be cured with love; the overflowing forgiveness and unconditional covering that is the grace of charity. 

Love fuels the effort we sacrifice in the belief that we can be better than what we are, and gives us the continued opportunity to become the person some believe us to be already.

Free Writing for Lent

Yesterday I thought I was going to skip celebrating Lent this year because I couldn’t come up with anything good to give up.  The past five years or so I have given up simple sugars and white bread, but with outrigger training I have pretty much eliminated those things from my diet anyway so it wouldn’t be much of a struggle.

My beloved old roomie Hilary used to take it upon herself to write a journal entry every day for Lent.  I decided today I am stealing her idea – though I’m going to call them “free writes” instead of journals because for some reason the idea of “journaling” always makes me think I have to write about my feelings, whereas “free writes” are, well, self explanatory.

Some of these writings will likely turn into blog entries, many will probably be poorly formed story ideas, and who knows what else.  I think I’m looking forward to it.

Happy Ash Wednesday!

Imriel de la Phillips

Meet our new kitty, Imriel! ("Imri" for short.)  On Friday, Chris and I adopted this little snuggle bug from 2nd Chance Cats.  He is named after the character Imriel de la Courcel, from one of our favorite book series' Kushiel's Dart by Jaqueline Carey.  (Yes, I have mentioned these books before and will continue to do so until more people read them!)

Our little Imri is 10 months old and scrawny little string bean.  He is incredibly affectionate and has one of the loudest motor boat purrs I have ever heard.  He has been having some tummy trouble but other than that seems to be adjusting nicely.

Inara, our other cat, currently hates him and resents his introduction to the house.  (Hopefully that will change soon.)  She is certainly curious about him, but keeps hissing whenever they make eye contact.  Last night we made them both sleep with us in our room, and this morning I had Inara under the covers at my right side, Imri under the covers on my left.  When I started rousing at 5:30 to get to the gym, Inara gave Imri a growl and a hiss good morning and he promptly ignored her completely.  We'll see how this developes - especially since today will be their first day alone together.

As usual the hardest thing about having a new fuzz-ball in the house is I don't want to be at work! I just want to go home and play with him. :)

A Quick Defense for Valentines Day

I know what you're thinking.  "Am I reading the right blog? Megan, you don't even celebrate Valentine's Day."

Correct, I myself do not do anything out of the ordinary on February 14.  In part this is because I have always found romantic gestures generally suspicious, plus I'm a cheap thrifty person who becomes irritated when money is wasted on frivolous things I don't need (or even want).  Also, I'm lazy and not a fan of feeling forced to do ... well, anything.

But hear me out.  Though I roll my eyes and groan at contrived diamond commercials, though I throw up in my mouth a little when women gush and coo over so and so's bouquet, cheap chocolates, tacky cards, etc. - what I'm always taken back by are the hoards of nay-sayers.  What gives, haters?

Sure, I remember in grade school when there were always a couple gloating kids with hoards of candy and cards on their desks, usually sitting right next to the poor schmo who had one or two.  I know it's frustrating to "be reminded" that some people are happier than you.  (Or so they would like to have you believe.)
"Megan, you just don't get it.  You're happily married.  Once a year us poor oppressed single people are left like starving puppies out in the rejected rains and sorrowful sleet storms while being forced to gaze inside warm homes where attractive couples are cozied up in eternal bliss that we have never known!"  PUH-LEEZ.

If you're single, my guess is someone out there loves you.  It may be your Mom or your AA sponsor, but someone cares.  I promise all those 'perfect happy couples' aren't going to get together and stare at you from the corners of their eyes wondering if you are a secret carrier of leprosy.  There is really no excuse to knock a holiday that only aims to celebrate love.  Plus, quite frankly I'm a little tired of being made to feel guilty for having a +1.  As for it being a "fake" holiday, these days V-day is really no more commercialized than say, Christmas or Easter.  There's candy, there's a lame mascot, a color scheme, the works.  It has all the working of a legit holiday as we've come to expect in America.  You are free to choose your own degree of obligations and traditions (or lack there of).


Valentine's Day is quite simply whatever you make of it.  If there is pressure on you as a guy in a relationship, I'm all for you sucking up the whopping 10 minutes of effort to do something cute for what is basically a guaranteed happy ending.  I mean seriously, if you can't bother to make or buy your special lady a little something you know she is going to appreciate, you should do her a favor and just kick yourself out.  (Meanwhile ladies, some of ya'll need to calm the frak down.)

I for one will continue to shrug and shake my head when asked "So what are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?" - but I'm simple like that, and I know not everyone feels the same way.  Who am I to judge what makes others happy?  I don't care if you have made a date with your sofa, a bad movie and a pound of pink and red candy corn (wtf?), but pretty please, you don't have to tell the world about it.  (That goes for all the intimate mushy stuff that I've seen popping up too ... wisely mitigate your over share!)


All that to say, I would like to simply encourage everyone to show some love today - to someone, anyone, in a gesture grand or small.  Yeah, maybe we should do that everyday, but lets face it, sometimes we could all use a good a kick in the pants.


<3